Image: Unsplash by Fabrizio Frigeni
About This Quiz
It's hard to know exactly how to describe oneself in bed. The mainstreaming of kink has provided a vast lexicon on terms for every facet of intimacy, but there's a paradox. If you aren't already "in" that area of kink, then you hardly know how to use its terms to define how you are in bed. What's much easier to do is describing oneself in other terms, like using animal imagery. After all, we've been using animals to describe our behavior since we first formed words in the caves of our ancestors.
This still leaves us with the problem of perspective. Fortunately, Myers-Briggs has a personality test for that. The Myers-Briggs test produces codes describing the aspects of personality the test purports to measure, and those codes can be defined in animal-like behaviors, which have a lot of meaning when using them to describe oneself in the bedroom. After all, saying someone is like a species that eats its mates says a lot about how someone acts in the bedroom.
We have created a version of the Myers-Briggs test aimed squarely at figuring out what you're like in an intimate setting. Take it, and we will tell you what animal you are like in the bedroom.
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Which is more important to you: being locked into a committed relationship, or being free to play the field knowing your average experiences will be less satisfying?
I prefer to chew up partners and spit them out.
I would lean toward commitment.
I'm 100% about serious relationships, 100% of the time.
Are you kidding? I'm playing the field, baby! Playas gotta play!
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How amenable are you to trying new things suggested by new lovers?
It's all fine if I get to do what I want.
I guess it might be OK, but I'd reserve judgment for after I hear about it.
I'll try new things, but not from new lovers.
I'm up for anything. What are we talking about here? Chocolate syrup? Dressing up like a crossing guard? Talking like a robot?
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When do you show up for a date?
Very early
A little early
Exactly on time
Very late
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How regularly do you dream about being in a relationship with someone other than the person you're with?
Every night
Very rarely
Never
Pretty frequently
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How often do you find yourself having a fantasy at an inappropriate time, like during your commute?
I don't fantasize at all.
Oh, from time to time
At least once a week
All the time! I'm doing it right now ...
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How often do you question the choices you've made in your romantic life?
Never
Every once in a while
I used to do it a lot, but that has changed.
I do it all the time! I have serious FOMO problems.
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Do you prefer to go on immaculately planned out dates, or would you rather just meet up with someone and just wing it?
My plans have plans.
I'd like to have some kind of framework at the very least.
I would defer to my date.
I've got to wing it.
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How much do you fret about how your partners will feel about your sexual proclivities?
I don't worry at all. Worry is not an emotion I feel.
I only worry a little bit, which I think is natural.
I worry about certain things, but not most things.
I worry constantly, which is why I'm a little weird in the beginning.
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How do you feel when you look at your naked form in the mirror?
Like a god
I see all my flaws.
More or less fine
I oscillate between amazing and terrible.
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What is your red line in trying new things in the bedroom?
I'm sorry, I don't understand the premise of the question.
Humiliation
Pain
Anything gross
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How often are you overcome with emotion in the bedroom, and cry?
What is crying?
I've done it a few times.
I do it all the time.
I don't cry ... I mean, I don't anymore ... I mean I never did, man!
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Do you find yourself hurriedly casting around for your bedroom props very often?
No. Everything is laid out on a tray.
No, I keep protection on the night stand.
No need for props of any kind!
I keep all I need in my wallet.
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How adaptable are you to the activity preferences of different lovers?
I don't adapt. Others adapt to me.
I try to be flexible, within my limits.
I'm not very adaptable, but I put on my best face.
I will do anything. I'm a freak and a half.
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How much do you tie physical intimacy to ideas about being with the other person and having a family with them?
It's all about the offspring.
I'd like it to be long term if it's good.
It should be about commitment. I mean, isn't that why we're together in the first place?
Not usually. I like to just have fun, even if it's with someone I'm with on an ongoing basis.
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How much is your bedroom "game face" driven by how you feel on the day?
Feel? As in, emotions? Not at all.
A bad day can get me down, but a good day can make me feel good!
When I'm with the one I love, I'm always in a good mood. OK, not always. Usually.
I can't hide my emotions at all. Sorry, not sorry.
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How many times do you text or message someone in the 72 hours after sleeping with them?
I never speak to them again, in any medium.
Five or six
Dozens of times. Feel free to judge me. I don't care.
72 times, once per hour. Isn't that what everyone does?
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How likely are you to read actual relationship compatibility into sexual compatibility?
Ha! Not at all. I'm not a relationship person.
25% of the time, probably
Most of the time, I'll do that.
Rarely if ever
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Do you find yourself thinking about work while in the midst of intimate encounters?
No, I'm all about the business of no business.
All the time. My job is stressful and my memory is really good.
Not really. I try to shut that stuff out.
Only if I'm fantasizing about a colleague
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Do you prefer to just lay back and let your partner do all the work?
No, quite the opposite
Sometimes, yes
All the time!
It depends on where I am in my head, and who my partner is.
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How often do you find yourself fantasizing about the vanilla while engaged in something kinky?
Never
All the time. I'm not really very kinky.
I don't unless I feel embarrassed or I hurt myself.
It depends on how kinky my partner is.
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How do you feel about fooling around in public?
I hate that! I must do it in my dungeo — I mean bedroom.
I guess if everyone else is OK with it, I'm OK with it.
I'd feel too weird to do that.
Is there a private place one can fool around?
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If promised amazing sex, would you do it in a room that shared a wall with a room containing your parents and extended family having a cocktail party?
If I must ...
Yes, I probably would.
I wouldn't. No way.
Oh wow, that crosses a new line. I'm down.
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Do you find the weather can turn you on or off?
Yes. I love a good storm.
I'm useless when it's really cold.
I love to snuggle up near a cozy fire.
I'm totally unaffected by the weather.
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How long do you go with a new partner before revealing what a freak you are?
Seconds
Months
Years
A day or two
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Is the best bedroom partner you ever had the person you are with now, or was it someone else?
It was someone from a long time ago, but not my first.
My first time will always be close to my heart.
It's the person I'm with now.
My best time wasn't with my current partner, but they are in my top three. Does that make me a bad person?
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Bearing in mind that your experience is subjective, how kinky do you think you are?
I am profoundly kinky.
I'm somewhat kinky.
I'm totally vanilla.
I'm a lot kinkier than your average person who considers themselves kinky.
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Do you like to go out with friends when you're on the hunt for a romantic partner?
No, I'm a loner.
Maybe one or two, if it's a Friday night.
It's been so long, I don't even know anymore.
I like to bring my whole crew with me when I go out.
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When are you bolder about flirting: when you're alone or when you're in public?
I flirt in public. Once we're in private, the flirting is done.
Oh gosh ... I don't know ... this is so embarrassing ...
Definitely in private, when I don't feel like everyone is judging me based on my performance.
I do better in public, where I can laugh off the failures.
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How enthusiastic are you in the bedroom?
No one is more enthusiastic than I am. It is what I live for.
I'm just delighted to be there!
It takes me a little while to get going, but I really get into it.
Sometimes I move too fast, and when I get told I've done that, I can get a little shy about things.
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What thing in your home do you hope impresses potential lovers you bring there?
My kitchen
My art collection
My antiques
My entertainment center
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You Got: