Whose Famous Military Mind is Most Like Yours?

Mark Lichtenstein

What do you do before declaring war?

I threaten war.

I try to negotiate.
I finish up with your first war.

I spy on the enemy relentlessly.

What is the most important aspect of war?

Firepower.

The motives of the soldiery.
Demonstrating to future enemies that they should surrender.

Strategic assessment.

Which weapon most appeals to you?

The F-117.

The trebuchet.
Horsemen.

Catapults.

Which method of deception is best?

Models of an army you can erect to deceive enemy observers.

Betrayal.
Luring enemy sentries away from their posts.

Spreading confusion in the enemy ranks.

Who would you pick as an enemy?

Saddam Hussein.

The King of France.
The whole world.

You don't get to pick your enemies.

How would you deal with a backstabber in the office?

I'd sternly warn them.

I'd make it look like you are a toady, set them up for a victory, and pull the rug out from under them.
I'd sabotage their work.

I'd collect evidence that they are about to backstab someone more powerful than you, and then turn that party into an ally.

Someone just pulled into your parking space as you were lining up to pull in. What do you do?

I'd tell them you are in a forgiving mood and demand they leave.

I'd tell them you are a valet and offer to park their car for them, then park it in a lake.
I'd use the forklift on your car to flip the offender's car, with them inside.

I'd induce a parking violation by planting a disabled parking sign nearby and painting blue lines around the car, and then call the police

You were about to board the subway, and someone jumps in front of you, taking up the last space. What do you do?

I force your way in and stare intently into the eyes of the offender.

I force the offender to drop something outside the car and then climb on when they step off to get it.
I tear the offender's bag from their shoulder, tossing it out of the train, then climb aboard.

I yell "bedbugs!" as the doors close, letting the other riders exact your revenge.

You were invited to a party, but told you had to wear a costume. You are alone in this prank, and look like an idiot. What do you do?

I wear the outfit with pride and be charming to everyone, so they either don't care, or dislike prankster.

I borrow clothes from the host, then before returning them, spill red wine all over them "by accident."
I go into the bathroom and take an "upper decker."

I find out beforehand, get the guest list, and then tell everyone but the host to wear a costume. Then arrive before anyone else so the host thinks they've got you.

You are waiting patiently at the post office when someone cuts you in line. How do you react?

I order the person out of line loud enough for the postal workers to hear and turn their heads, then bluff, quietly saying that this is a federal crime because it is to do with postal business, and flash your ID briefly as though you are postal police.

I tell everyone behind you that this person just cut in front of you all, and rile them up until the offender gets to the back of the line.
I spit on the offender.

I pick the offender's pocket, taking all their money and their ID, so when they go to pay, their day is twice ruined.

You're out late at night and someone mugs you. What do you do?

I shine a flashlight in their eyes, blinding them and then hit them with something heavy.

I give them your cash and then as they turn to leave, hit them over the head from behind.
I fight to the death!

I tell them they may kill you, but you will hurt them so badly, the meager cash you have on you won't be worth their time.

Your army is outnumbered five to one, and the enemy is invading in three days. What do you do?

I erect model military vehicles and phony camps and soldiers, then assume an ambush position outside of where the enemy will establish their camp.

I blow up all the roads, rails, and bridges they will use to invade, save one, and then set up an ambush at this choke point.
I enlist all the locals as infantry, position them well away from your camp, in an ambush position with your regular infantry, and lure the enemy patrols there with cavalry in order to cut them down one by one.

I attach fallen trees to your vehicles or horses and prepare a parade in front of the enemy for when they show up. The extra dust kicked up by the dragging branches will make your forces look ten times larger than they are.

Which close combat weapons best appeals to you?

A Ka-Bar knife.

A stiletto.
An ax.

A halberd.

Which great generals do you admire?

Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Erwin Rommel.
Napoleon Bonaparte.

Mordechai Gur.

What was the last great American war?

The First Gulf War

The American Revolution.
The Iraq War.

World War 2.

Which great deception was the greatest in military history?

The campaign to convince people that carrots were the reason the British could spot German planes at night, and not radar.

The allies pretending the scientists of Bletchley Park hadn't cracked enigma.
The Pope convincing thousands to invade the Holy Land on the behalf of the church, creating a free army.

Germany's bluff of military power when they invaded the Sudetenland with an underequipped army.

How do you judge a general?

By their conduct when things aren't going well

By their ability to preserve blood and treasure.
By the fear that their name instills on others.

By how often they win.

What qualities do you look for in a soldier?

Discipline, bravery, and humanity.

Motivation, discipline, and bravery.
Discipline, viciousness, and respect.

A strong back, steady hands, and discipline.

What should the civilian population do during war?

Keep the economy strong.

Enlist in the military and fight to the last man.
Grow and transport food for the army.

Mostly business as usual, but especially trading with our allies.

What is the worst thing one could do in war?

Carpet bomb a city.

Lose.
Catapult corpses infected with plague over a city's walls.

Abandon your soldiers to the mercies of the enemy.

What is your attitude to soldiers of yours who are captured?

I turn to the civilian leaders to find a way to negotiate their release using soldiers we have captured.

Once we win, I will sue for their return.
Once I have killed all of the enemies, I will release them myself.

I may have my spies use them as repositories of information to see if I can negotiate their return.

What do you wear when you are in the field?

The same fatigues as my men.

Armor that signifies my rank, and that I am worth capturing, not killing.
Ballistic clothes made of silk.

Leather armor, like my men, but with a fancy helmet.

Who is your role model?

General Washington.

The Duke of Wellington.
Ariel Sharon.

M.

Who today is inspired by you?

General Mattis.

Most US Presidents.
The Taliban.

Akio Toyoda.

Which fans do you wish you could rid yourself of?

The Minute Men.

Politicians.
Nazis.

Businessmen.

What weather do you like to fight in?

Clear skies, so my A-10 pilots can see what's happening on the ground.

Heavy rain, so the cavalry and infantry become vulnerable to my archers.
Any weather will do.

Summertime.

What landscape do you like to fight in?

Desert.

Mountains.
Mongolia.

A good general cannot choose, and thus should not have favorites.

What is your favorite punishment?

Putting prisoners in jail.

Putting prisoners in stocks.
Flaying prisoners.

Whipping prisoners.

Which war do you wish you could have fought in?

World War II.

World War I.
The First Napoleonic War.

The Battle of Sekigahara.

Where do you lead from?

The rear of the theater.

The Citadel.
The front lines.

I show up everywhere, to keep my men on their toes.

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